LONG LIVE THE KING

Optometrist Geoffrey Francis Lawson, son of Wagga Wagga and known throughout the continent as plain old Henry, recently accepted a lucrative offer from the Pakistan Cricket Board to coach the national squad for the next two years. It is a curious decision for both parties.

When first approached some two months ago Lawson scoffed at the offer. “A 1000 planets would have to align” was his curt response when asked if he was interested. His concerns were many and serious.

At the time rumour and innuendo were rife about the nature of Bob Woolmer’s demise. Lawson spoke of “safety being a big factor” and no-one doubted whose safety Geoff was referring. Once the police investigations were complete Lawson warmed a little towards such a prominent appointment stating, “Once the Woolmer event was resolved, that made me feel better about things”.

There were, however, other fears that needed assuaging. Most of them concerning the Pakistani players. Chief amongst these worries was the attitude of the cricketers. There is a discernment throughout the cricketing world that Pakistan are unfit, ill disciplined and poorly motivated. There is plenty of evidence that this is indeed the case. The recent World Cup debacle and the petulant forfeiture at Kennington Oval in 2006 are two of the more publicized attestations of recent years.

Their opening bowlers Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif were pulled from the 2006 Champions Trophy after producing a positive urine test for nandrolone. Taken predominately by post menopausal women to treat osteoporisis, ingesting the banned anabolic steroid earned the meretricious Akhtar a 24 month ban, and in a somewhat perplexing decision, the equally guilty Asif a 12 month stint in the nets. These convictions were soon overturned in controversial circumstances. The players were found not guilty on appeal not because they were innocent but because of a legal technicality from the original case.

Lawson. as befits a country squire with a liberal education, adores the moral high ground and this situation disturbs him. Ethically, Henry sees the world mostly in black and white and his attitude regarding performance enhancing drugs is well known. Pakistan officials have been told in no uncertain terms that if there is a repeat indiscretion Lawson will resign immediately. Considering that players take these substances in the shadows away from prying eyes, and knowing that Lawson is an intelligent, experienced and skilled media performer, it is an obstreperously ill directed public ultimatum that will undoubtedly bear a bitter fruit in the fertile political soil that is Pakistan cricket.

It is anathema to an Australian sportsman to not give total effort when competing in a team environment. It is linked to the mythical and ephemeral ANZAC spirit affectionately and colloquially known as mateship. “Not having a go” is the greatest sporting sin an athlete can commit. Three seasons back on Pakistan’s last tour of Australia, Lawson in the employ as cricket analyst at the publicly owned Australian Broadcasting Commission routinely described the visitors cricket as abysmal and their efforts disgraceful. Always the public diplomat Henry balanced his views with the diametrically disguised diatribe along the theme that the team was brimming with talent.

Now a rookie international coach Lawson has stressed the importance of pride, mongrel and respect on every occasion available. In a lengthy interview with Cricinfo’s Assistant Editor Nagraj Gollapudi, the new coach put forward his philosophy for turning around Pakistan’s pusillanimous performances.

“As a captain or a coach or even as a spectator or a selector or a board member you expect the players to give 100 percent every time they walk on the field; now that 100 percent might vary if they are injured or tired but if they walk on to the field and give their maximum all the time then everyone walks away satisfied. That's what Australia do so well: they treat every single game as very important. They never go at it half-hearted, they never go at it three-quarters, they are always doing their best to win every game. That is a great approach to follow - that every game of cricket you play you have to treat it like it's your last one.”

It would appear obvious to most that the Pakistan Cricket Board have appointed Lawson with this philosophical paradigm in mind. Only three coaches were interviewed and all were Australian. Despite his inexperience and the natural language barrier - only 4 players within Pakistan’s squad understand English - the PCB chairman Dr Nasim Ashraf has admitted that it is the quintessential Australian sporting nature of Lawson that got him the nod over his vastly more successful and qualified compatriot Dav Whatmore, “He is an educated no-nonsense fellow with a positive outlook and that Australian attitude we are looking for”. Lawson concurred, “I think they appreciate how the Australian approach to playing cricket is a successful one and that's what they're trying to tap into”.

Lawson, before accepting the poisoned chalice, also expressed concerns about the rise of Islamic fundamentalism in mainstream Pakistani culture and the fact that the Pakistan Cricket Board’s patron - the real boss - is military dictator General Pervez Musharraf. He cited reports that the players infatuation with Islam was affecting their cricket, even stating that he had heard that fielders were substituted during international matches to allow them to kneel towards the Kaba and pay homage from the prayer mat. For a secular cricketer like Lawson this recent development in Pakistani society and sporting culture is barely comprehensible. “I’ll be having none of that” was his final comment on the situation before appointment.

Coronated King Henry in the Pakistani media, Lawson has now softened his tone, "I believe they have overcome those obstacles," he said. "I think the board, the players and maybe some religious leaders have set out some conditions for when players can pray during matches, and how much work they can do during Ramadan. They are professional athletes, and as a coach you are looking for them to maximise their own potential.”

It is ironic that in a country that prohibits gambling that the PCB would plunge so heavily in entrusting Geoff Lawson with the stewardship of the national side. He possesses a mediocre decade old first-class coaching record and has no international experience, he understands very little about the changing nature of Pakistani society and he proudly possesses the natural lack of empathy required of an Australian Test quick. He said upon his appointment, "I don't suffer fools and I don't put up with second best”.

Combine Lawson’s quirks, insecurities and forthright attitude with the fractious nature of the Pakistani administration, an out of the loop and outspoken ex-player lobby, a newly appointed untested captain, a caviling squad with a poor work ethic, in addition to the widening linguistic, religious and cultural divide between the West and Pakistan, all under the unsleeping eye of an unpopular and tottering military dictatorship and it is not difficult to imagine some tough times ahead for the man affectionately known as Henry.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS

Debate has raged down in the Dungeon about the walking non-issue. These types of arguments rarely rage at the Shed. Davo reckons it’s a complete waste of oxygen. The Marylebone Cricket Club’s Official Laws of Cricket are clear. Law 27 is explicit. In layman’s terms what it essentially says is that a batsman can give himself out if he wishes, but isn’t inclined to (27.1). Additionally, an umpire has the power to order a batsman back to the crease, if in his opinion he disagrees with the player’s misplaced morality (27.7). It ends with the incontrovertible phrase, “an umpires decision, once made, is final” (27.9).

In light of this debate and with a parched palette, your correspondent hitched a ride in Davo’s ute and headed down to the Wattle and Swan to have a beer with local umpire Dickie Cowans, a man that played and officiated in Lancastrian League cricket for over two decades before being seduced to emigrate to Australia with the love of his life, local sculptist and Quarry Road Cricket Club Scorer Rhonda Barrett.

An excellent Celtic flautist who once played at Buckingham Palace for the Queen Mother, Dickie began umpiring locally as soon as the Tasmanian Cricket Association allowed. With a veteran’s knowledge of the English game and six years experience in Australia, the Shed sought his views on walkers. Below lies the unedited transcription.

Nesta: G’Day Dickie.

Dickie: How are you old mate?

Nesta: Paddling upstream but she’ll be right. I was wondering if I could gauge your views on cricket for the website I write for occasionally.

Dickie: Googly isn’t it?

Nesta: That’s right.

Dickie: OK but it’s your shout. I had a read there the other day and saw that toff Cowdrey taking the high moral ground.

Nesta: We’re in harmony today Dickie because that is precisely what I’ve come to talk about. Before we begin could you start off and tell the readers how you were given the name Dickie when you first arrived in these parts?

Dickie: Well you know this story because you’re the bastard who gave it to me. And it has stuck to me like a bad smell. Where’s that beer?

Nesta: It’s coming. And it wasn’t me it was Bluey. Go on tell the story. You know what? I’ve just realized that I don’t even know the name your Mother gave you.

Dickie: It was my Father and it is Brian.

Nesta: Easy mate. Come on Dickie, just tell us the story. This is your chance to air your side of the tale.

Dickie: Yeah. OK. Well it was my first match umpiring down here and after being put through the wringer by the TCA, I was finally allowed to get back on the field.

Nesta: What happened with the TCA?

Dickie: They treated me poorly when I first arrived. They made me sit a beginners exam even though I’d already been umpiring back home for a dozen years. All’s forgiven now.

Nesta: Sounds fair. What did they say when you told them you were experienced and licensed in England?

Dickie: That I wouldn’t have any trouble passing the test!

Nesta: You probably thought he was joking! Hey Dickie, now what about that nickname?

Dickie: Yeah. Well I strolled out to the toss where you and Bluey from Sorell were waiting and you both started sledging me.

Nesta: That wasn’t sledging Dickie. And anyway, it was your own fault for wearing that silly white coat.

Dickie: Yeah well, if you let me finish.

Nesta: Sorry mate. Continue.

Dickie: As I was saying, you and the other captain were calling me Dickie and giggling like schoolgirls.

Nesta: Steady on Dickie. It’s a form of affection. You know that, don’t you?

Dickie: Well I do now but I didn’t then.

Nesta: Is that why you gave me out leg before to a ball missing leg by three feet?

Dickie: It was swinging back and hitting middle! And you batted all bloody day didn’t you?

Nesta: 112 before that dodgy decision if I remember correctly. Rhonda would have the book. It’s hard to forget centuries on the first day of the season. I know you didn’t mean it. It was late in the day and you were sweating buckets in that coat of yours.

Dickie: Are you printing this?

Nesta: I’m joking mate, we all know that umpires are bastions of integrity and honesty. Anyway, what do you think of walkers?

Dickie: Well, since living down here it's been pointed out to me that historically walking was a way for the upper class Poms to assert their moral authority over everybody else.

Nesta: That’s exactly what Cowdrey was doing then?

Dickie: What do you think, Nesta? Putting shit on the rest of us is a British ruling class tradition.

Nesta: Seen much walking down here?

Dickie: Never. I was told by old Tom Hawkins, he’s umpired for 40 years, that the real cheats are the walkers.

Nesta: What do you mean?

Dickie: Fellows that walk don’t do it all the time. So they plant a seed in the umpire’s mind that they are above suspicion. That way they are often given the benefit of the doubt when they do nick one.

Nesta: Not by old Tom, I bet. You're right. you don’t see too many blokes walking on 99. Did you see much walking when you umped and played in England?

Dickie: Remarkably Nest old man, I did.

Nesta: What was your job then? Walking coathanger?

Dickie: Not exactly.

Nesta: So walkers are not moral crusaders but con men. Is that right?

Dickie: I never thought so until I came to live here but I think that is a correct assessment.

Nesta: Should we suspend them for bringing the game into disrepute?

Dickie: Enough bloody questions Nesta. Where’s my ale? Being a celebrity is hard slog on a Sunday afternoon. Where’s your guitar? Let’s go out on the verandah, sit in the sun and play some tunes.

Nesta: Sounds like a plan, Dickie. I’ll get the beers.

FACING THE MUSIC

The hypnotic polyrhythms of Blackstar were emanating deep below the surface in the dank and funky UK Googly dungeons when the Editor phoned this week to request a follow up to last week’s Thunder Downunder column.

It appears that the mere mention of Australia fielding Ponting’s dream opening attack of Lee and Tait, hurling 150 kmh thunderbolts at English throats, has caused a climate of fear and a deluge of emails in the Old Dart. There was some idiotic defiance by a few with short attention spans but that was soon forgotten by the intermittent and fickle orgy of Twenty/20, Twelve/12, Ten/10, Eight/8 and Five/5 matches that are currently underway on the well drenched soil of Britain.

The Editor could barely be heard above the sweet melodies and ringing stinging crash cymbals as he communicated the groundswell and controversy. He instructed the Shed’s contacts to find which watering hole Boonie and Merv are currently occupying and to seek out their views on who will replace Justin Langer as Matthew Hayden's opening partner.

Big shoes to fill. Langer and Hayden are statistically one of the most successful opening partnerships in Test match history. Only the legendary West Indian pairing of Greenidge and Haynes have scored more runs for the first wicket. However, the Australians clearly have the superior average. Greenidge and Haynes scored 827 more runs but they played 35 more innings. Testament, no doubt, to Desmond and Gordon’s longevity and professionalism in an era when fewer Test matches were played each calendar year.

After accepting this assignment your correspondent negotiated a meagre expense account - enough for two phone calls - and also agreed to investigate the player that will replace Adam Gilchrist in the one-day set-up when he hangs up the yellow togs later this year or early next.

Even bigger boots to fill. Gilly is unarguably the best wicket-keeper batsman to grace the modern game and while his skills are diminishing he can still perform at the highest level. His match-winning 149 from 104 balls in the World Cup final will surely be recorded as one of the finest innings ever produced by a one-day opening batsman.

After one well placed phone call to the conscientious, fluorescent orange dungareed volunteers of the Victorian State Emergency Service, we discovered the mo mafia snuggled on the bar, splashing their feet in the now stagnant floodwaters inside the Burrabogie Island Sailing and Fishing Club.

Before Big Merv and his little mate were dragged away kicking and cursing by rescuers in a rubber dinghy, a few insights were gleaned and below is the run-down on the players likely to face the new ball and the fresh pacemen this coming summer.

Brad Hodge - Age 32
66 Centuries
This week desperately and insecurely volunteered to replace Justin Langer as Test opener. It won’t happen. Has a slim chance of securing the one-day opening position. Has impressed of late as a middle order bat in pyjamas but there are still doubts about his technique to the ball moving away. His best chance of securing a long-term Test place is if Michael Hussey opens.

Michael Hussey - Age 32
62 Centuries
Averages 80 from his 16 Tests and 59 from 72 ODIs. Easily the best candidate to open in the five day arena but his crucial Bevan-like finishing position in the ODI squad makes his selection as Test opener a schizophrenic proposition. If any player in the squad could fill two vastly different roles and not let it affect his game, it is Mister Cricket.

Phil Jaques - Age 28
39 Centuries
The incumbent. The prolific southpaw is the perfect carbon copy replacement for Justin Langer in the Test squad if the selectors opt to keep Hussey in the middle order. Has scored runs on all surfaces and has proved himself time and again. Questions remain over his fielding and that is enough to keep him out of the loop where limited-overs cricket is concerned.

Michael Clarke - Age 26
26 Centuries
The golden boy of Australian cricket with a long and illustrious career ahead. His boyhood hero was Mark Waugh and Pup would love to open the batting for the ODI team. Has done the job on nine occasions for eight wins and has excelled averaging 63. A strong candidate and obvious successor to open when Gilchrist retires.

Chris Rogers - Age 29
22 Centuries
Demanded selection in the contracted squad due to his gritty run scoring consistency over the last five domestic summers. Short sighted and colour blind, Chris would be a surprising first choice replacement for Langer but if the ginger tenacious leftie was given the job he wouldn’t let the side down.

Shane Watson - Age 26
13 Centuries
Possible opener in both forms of the game. Will open for Queensland with Hayden in the first two Pura Cup matches at the start of the summer and if he succeeds he may get Langer’s job. The most technically correct batsman in the squad and a favourite of Ponting. Opened at the last Champions Trophy and acquitted himself well. Will be in both teams but it is still uncertain what his role will be.

Brad Haddin - Age 29
12 Centuries
Gilchrist’s obvious replacement in the one-day squad and opens the batting in limited-overs cricket for NSW. Under pressure from Tasmania’s Tim Paine and West Australia’s Luke Ronchi and will need to perform when chances present to keep his contract next year.

Matthew Hayden has been reported as saying that he intends playing on indefinitely to guide the next set of openers into the international arena. Hussey would be the best choice in Test matches but balance also needs to be considered so Phil Jaques will probably get the nod for the first Test against Sri Lanka in November. Shane Watson is the roughie and cannot be discounted. In the one-day arena Michael Clarke looks set to emulate his hero but once again Watson’s name is on the short list.

Overall Australia’s batting stocks are strong and whoever the selectors choose will be under pressure to keep their spot. With 27 Tests and innumerable ODIs scheduled in the next 18 months Australia’s top order should be well and truly settled when they arrive in England in 2009.